Another look back in time...

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the sickness of fear
Category: Life

the following experience happened in the

---------------------------------------------beginning of august 2006. ----------------------------

7am, I can't take the blow up mattress anymore.  I can feel the ground underneath me every time I move and it's unpleasant so I revert to the couch under the window, the one with less sun shining on my face.  Sirens yelled and dogs howled, it's 7:34am and I'm tired. I wrestle with the blanket and pillow to find my comfortable space, it works but still more sirens. 

Last night I prayed I would wake up sick this morning, I didn't. My heart was beating abnormally fast, but it had been since I became aware we would be running Granite and the Numbers around 4:30pm yesterday afternoon.

I contimplated playing sick, jumping off a cliff, lieing about something waiting for me to do elsewhere, however the lies didn't suffice.

9am rolls around and I wake up again, this time just from a more rested stand point. 

I use the bathroom and sit back down on the couch, staring out the window at the cloudy sky.  Maybe it would rain, but who cares?  Kayakers pray for rain and that would not be a way out.  I got up off the couch and called Mom, told her the anxiety.  She said not to run Granite/Numbers if I didn't feel comfortable.  Mom's right.  I had wished Dad-Bill would have been around to talk to, but realizing the last e-mail I had read from the Monsoon Warriors blog would put him right at the Upper Salt put in at 10am CO time. 

I walked back into the house and went into the bathroom.  My mouth had a faint blood taste, it was fear.

I had a decision to make and no one to make it for me.

I took Michael to Bongo Billy's but he wanted "real breakfast food."  I was annoyed. 

We walked to City Market.  We bought muffins and fruit and whatnot and walked back to the house.  We sat on the step outside and ate. 

He looked at me and said, "It's okay to be scared."

My eyes swelled with tears but I said nothing, at first.  I didn't want him to know.

Then I simply said, "I guess."

But I didn't think that coming to terms with my fear was going to help.  Then, it was the moment that I realized I was stuck in between. 

I had two options: Run it or Don't.

I didn't want to, not even a little bit. I knew that if I didn't, I would be upset with myself in knowing that I had the abilty to try and succeed and if I did,

well, only the Universe could determine that. 

It was time to go, do I stay and hike or do I at least go to the river and watch?

I go, gear in tow.

We get to the top of Granite and I finally conger up enough courage to tell Aubrie that I'm scared of the Numbers, flat out. S.C.A.R.E.D.  Or maybe petrified, eh, call it what you will.

She understood.  She knew where I was coming from and heard me when I told her.  She asked what happened last time I ran it.  I told her (she knew, she was there). She asked me what the worst thing that could happen to me if I didn't make a rapid,  I looked at her and said, "I swim."  She said, "exactly" and that's part of learning.  She's right, I'm completely convinced to run Granite now, however, the Numbers is still being contimplated. 

We run Granite with Little Pine Creek rapid.  I don't flip.  I sat forward and had verticle paddle strokes, right through the holes and swirrley water. The rest of the 4 miles was easy class 3, but the "easy" kind that still has your heart dropping about 60 ft per mile (about the gradiant of Granite) as you edge closer to triple drop.  We pull into the eddy above Pine Creek and pull our boats out to portage.  Aubrey, Amy (a girl we met at the put in), Michael and I walk Pine Creek and look at triple drop, a solid class IV rapid with three consecutive, river wide holes. 

What the

fuck

is going through my head.  It's big and the water after it, that's big too, and a little bit down stream from it, oh yeah, that would also be big water.  Amy agrees to run it, Aubrey has before and Michael plans to run it too.  For the first time, they didn't matter.  I mattered more than anything and the thought of running it, scared me.  I didn't want to but I wasn't sure if it was the fear that didn't want to, or the possibility that it was over my head.  As I stood on a giant rock waiting to watch Mikey, Mark and Zach (Amy's partner) run Pine Creek, I asked for a sign. 

The beautiful sun shown through the clouds just then.  I still hadn't drug my boat down to the put in, so I figured screw the sign, I'm hiking.  I asked Aubrey how far the Numbers put in was so I could hike and she said "a mile." 

I "un-screwed" the sign and drug my boat down to the put in for triple drop.  Before I knew what was going on I was in the water paddling towards the eddy and Mark signals me to follow him.

I am at the top of the triple drop and I get spun around backwards.  I go over the first drop backwards and flip going into the second one.  I'm upside down in this rapid, I roll the first time.  I'm still backwards.  Oh good, the "backwards" current hates me, fricken sweet, overboard.  I roll.  Still backwards but I'm over triple drop! I hit a small rock, into a hole, swallow half the river, choke, want to swim, shove my paddle to the surface, roll, FAST.  (Thank God for textbook rolls). 

Finally I get my boat spun around and see Mark in an eddy to the left, he calmly signals me to come that way and I do.  I make the eddy, he tells me great job with a huge smile and I ask him if it counts, because I DID do most of it upside down. 

Of course it counted.

My heart was beating about 14,000 ft per mile now.  BUT I just conquered something so much bigger than a class IV rapid.

We run the rest down to the Numbers.  It's more burley than Granite and considerably more burley than Brown's or the Upper Salt.

After running that, I decide to run Number 1 and if I swim, I decided, I'm pulling out and hiking it.  I wasn't going to swim after that last battle roll boogie. 

I ran all the Numbers straight through.  I didn't flip until Number 4 and it was at the bottom in a funky hole.  I rolled.  We got out and scouted Number 5.  I followed Mark, and if I could just follow Mark down the whole Number 5 rapid, like I had been following him in the other 4, I would be fine. 

I went up to the top of the eddy and fairied a bit to follow him to just the right side of the rock in the middle of the river.  I went down the drop paddling and leaning forward, I hit the second hole and paddled like hell.  Went right through it.  Mark turned around to tell me something and flipped. 

Oh just fucking great, the person's line I'm following, well I just skirted to the right of his upside down body, fricken sweet.  Oh wait though, I just scouted the line, I watched Mikey run it and I know which line to take, so I ran it just a little left of center and then on down the center.

Holy shit, I just ran Numbers, through Number 5, without swimming or flipping in Number 5.  I was in the Mamba 7.5.  I just did it and it included a solid class IV triple drop.  Narley dudes.

Narley.

A conquered fear.  A monumental day.  A whole new boater. 

<3

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Saturday, June 28, 2008 

I’m in love. I've fallen so in love and I want to scream it from a mountain top. I'm so in love with everything I could explode into a zillion little pieces and float down on top of every single person and spread the love... Sooo... I'm in love with... My life, yup and that about sums it up. Lately, when people ask me about what I do and "who I've become" I don't even care to tell them. Not because I don't want to be friendly, but simply because I no longer identify with my job, my materialistic possessions or anything I do... Yes, I rock climb and kayak and mountain bike. But I'm not a rock climber, kayaker or mountain biker. And yes I serve as the Vice President of Services for Student Government but I'm not the VP of Services... and Yes... I could be considered a whole slew of "successful" things... but I'm so in love with me and my life that I have instead decided to wrap myself up in a whole slew of wonderful and be just that. just be. just be... ...liberated from limits. --------- Wednesday, May 07, 2008  okay, so... right. it's too easy. this life. simply a masterpiece of exaggeration tainted by filters: political. business. "love". crushes. broken hearts. filllltered. everything that's said and done and mimicked and repeated. filtered. if you walked around saying and doing what you really meant, what would that be? you probably don't even know because it's as if the filters become permanently ingrained into your body and brain and you can not determine you from them. and if people are never happy around you, why are you so upset? because we both know that tearing someone open inside is only about you. and the filters. it's all about the fucking filters. because if i want to tell you i love you, i can't. if i want to tell you that what was ended was never anything to begin with in the first place, i can't. because my filter does the work for me. it says that i'll be unhappy if i hurt you or leak one inappropriate verse of my truth. but collectively, the endless love that circulates this planet continues to bind us together. all of us at every moment. and while some days, there are some people who we clearly don't want to even associate with, let alone admit we are part of an ever existing life force with... it's true. so, the filter, it needs to be burned. and the love, it needs to disseminate. and the hate, it needs to dissolve. and you, you need to be. just be. ------------- Thursday, February 07, 2008  open up baby. open up baby. play your tune out loud. i can proudly say that i've never looked at a young adult cat pregnant with kittens, shook my head and thought, "wow, she has made quite a mistake." nor have i ever gone after the one who did this to her and tried to kick his little kitty butt. maybe. no, we are, too wrapped up in what everyone else is doing so we never have to turn around and look ourselves square in the face. try it. i dated a guy once who wanted me to just let him be himself. what what what, uh, hello... yourself clearly needs to be fixed. by me. right now. with all this knowledge i think i have about saving your life from the depths of hell. what? no. that's not how it works. i can't save people and i'm not out to help them. but it is clever to just be. be with someone. with who they are. and who i am. quietly or totally out loud. but let them play their tune. play mine. and maybe we can harmonize. open up baby. ---------- Thursday, January 10, 2008  give me spots on my apples. Big Yellow Taxi by Joni Mitchell They paved paradise And put up a parking lot With a pink hotel, a boutique And a swinging hot SPOT Don't it always seem to go That you don't know what you've got `Til it's gone They paved paradise And put up a parking lot They took all the trees And put them in a tree museum And they charged the people A dollar and a half just to seem 'em Don't it always seem to go, That you don't know what you've got `Til it's gone They paved paradise And put up a parking lot Hey farmer, farmer Put away that DDT now Give me spots on my apples But LEAVE me the birds and the bees Please! Don't it always seem to go That you don't know what you've got `Til its gone They paved paradise And put up a parking lot Late last night I heard the screen door slam And a big yellow taxi Took away my old man Don't it always seem to go That you don't know what you've got `Til it's gone They paved paradise And put up a parking lot I said Don't it always seem to go That you don't know what you've got `Til it's gone They paved paradise And put up a parking lot They paved paradise And put up a parking lot They paved paradise And put up a parking lot --------- Monday, September 10, 2007  the naked truth about school. Current mood:  bouncy even though the information you learn may be semi-valid to real life, the institutions in which it is taught is wrong.  bold to come out and call something wrong?  who am i to say that the mass consciousness of inside-the-box, good employee producing, brain washing education is wrong?  i'm the same as the rest of you, hashing out papers at 1 in the morning just to hope for the letter grade.  to strive to be accepted by some adult i don't know, may never know my name and could care less about who i am besides the letter grade they put on my paper, besides the number i am in their school for funding and besides how well i can perform to make the dean's list. well geeze, i mean what more could i ask for besides all that.  our world is in a time of crisis and we are still sucking down starbucks looking down the one way track.  even those of us who aren't looking down that one way track anymore sometimes don't know how the heck to get off and run the other way. i'm not failing school. i haven't lost my scholarship. this has nothing to do with bad grades or late nights.  this has to do with the corruption of the school systems and the neighborhood minds who don't see through it. i don't blame you, i don't think less of you, i ask you, however, to open up and look around. what else is out there for you to sink your teeth into? what else can we produce with our own minds working and not just regurgitating? how are you spending your life? and if it's not the way you want to, why not? what have you got to lose? i want to hear what you think. get pissed. prove me wrong. prove me right. but either way, don't settle. -------- Tuesday, July 10, 2007  somewhere in between the river is where friends become family. grudges are never held. and people just get you. the trails are where you can "tear it up" without touching a thing. the trees speak to you. and the ground flows beneath. the rocks are expressions of the way i feel. truths about my jaded but angelic thoughts. the city streets have endless stories. just like i do. ones that will remain untold. the coffee shops have hard earned dollars for a repreve from the thought of another endless evening. studying wasn't even a quarter of it. the classrooms are boxes with well-meant dictators. the papers are boxes, the textbooks, the desks. boxes. i'm caught somewhere inbetween what i left in the sweltering heat and the rush of a new life. the law of attraction and the guide of spirits. the current crushes of my adolesnce, the bliss of my ignorance and the wisdom beyond my years. the easy ability to relate to many but fit in with none. i'm somewhere in between. ----------